Diary of an Evil Queen
by Resilient Heart
Summary: Who else can she tell her innermost secrets to when she hasn't a friend in the world? Diary entries from Regina after her marriage to Leopold. Rating may go up. Mentions of Daniel, Snow, Leopold, Rumplestiltskin, Cora, Henry Sr., and eventual mentions of Robin Hood, Charming, Sidney, and possibly a few others.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** This is an experiment I'm trying out. I originally started a tumblr for this that I planned to update, but I think I'll post them here as well. Let me know what you think, and let me know if you guys want the actual tumblr page. I'll link it on my page. That said, I own nothing but my ideas. I'm playing with A&amp;E's world, and Lana's wonderful portrayal of Regina. Have fun, leave reviews, favorite or whatever you wanna do. Happy reading! 

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_Dear... whatever you are,_

_It feels silly to begin this missive with 'Dear Diary.' Perhaps, had I been allowed some privacy in my youth, I might have kept one of these, and grown a bit more comfortable with the endearment for the thing that should have held all my innermost secrets. As it is, you, Diary, are not my first, though you are my truest. There is another book of confessions that I use to distract the King. He likes to think he is sneaky when he goes through my things, reading my writings, but I know he does it. He leaves his prints on everything. Knowing that he touches my personal belongings is nearly as repulsive as when he touches me. But you, Diary, are special. You, I keep hidden. You, I fill with my true feelings, and not mindless drivel fit only to make the King feel as if he is clever. As long as the false one exists, you will be safe, and I promise to keep you nothing but. For you, Diary, are my only confidant._

_Every day feels like more of the same. I long for the early days of my marriage when I was shown some tenderness; some consideration. I long for the days when Leopold and his insipid daughter would travel the land frequently. I long for the days before the King had gotten it into his skull that he needed to sire another child. Pretending to care for the fossil is maddening and exhausting, and leaves me nothing short of irritable._

_My temper has grown worse. It grows ever more difficult to hold my tongue before my husband. My training with Rumplestiltskin has gone fairly well, and I know what the wet, sucking feeling of a chest cavity feels like as I wrap my fingers around a beating heart. I know the warmth, the little jolt of electricity that zaps the very tips of my fingers when they first brush the organ. I have missed it, the feeling of a live heart in my hand. But I cannot take his. The kingdom would turn on me, and I cannot be hunted._

_Sometimes, I worry I am turning into Cora. When I was first learning how to do this, with every pulsing heart, I would see Daniel's face. Even now, the memory of him brings tears to my eyes, and I know I have stained the pages of you with their bitterness, Diary. It is not even that I love him anymore, -but I do, with every beat of this dead organ in my chest- but he represented a part of me that I can never get back._

_My innocence. My mother stole it from me when she sold me like a prized milk cow. Leopold stole it from me quite literally. And Snow… well. She is the worst transgressor of them all. Not only did she steal all of the happiness from my heart, she made sure that I would never feel it again. My hope died with Daniel, and as long as she breathes, he won't rest. The longer his murderer is not brought to justice, the more my heart darkens with hatred. I will end her, just as surely as I will end her disgusting father._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** Welcome to chapter 2! These are short, I know. Sorry about that. I don't see Regina having the patience, nor the privacy to write long missives, but if enough interest is generated, I've been thinking of writing a sort of companion piece to this. Maybe a chapter for every entry that details exactly what's going on around her, and why she writes what she does. It's a thought anyway.

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_Diary,_

_Today, I saw the horses in the stables on the west side of the castle. I was strolling the grounds, and I found a secret staircase leading up to a tower that I had never seen before. From the looks of it, my husband doesn't know about it either. The tower overlooks the stables- the only window that seems to that I can find. It is a rare gift, one that I both cherish and lament._

_Being so close to the stables again makes my heart ache like it did eight months ago. I can still see the dust that had once been his heart. A breeze had caught some of it and stained my dress. Mother had it burned, and now that's dust too._

_The library had lots of interesting things inside it. Many books on the history of this land, most of which I knew already. There were firsthand accounts- even diaries like you, my friend. It makes me wonder if, someday, after I am long dead, someone will find you and read my darkest darkness and my lightest light._

_Somedays, I feel like I am invisible. I am an ungrateful child, Leopold screams at me, and I should stay in my room until I have learned to appreciate the good that he's done for me. I don't understand. What good does he mean? He took me away from a life that, while not perfect, was mine. He locks me inside my chambers for days at a time. I am treated like the unloved step child, but I am to love his own flesh and blood- a woman barely a few years younger than I- as if she was my daughter? In another life, he might have been my father, and it is this thought that brings the most disgust as he calls me to his bedchambers. As I am summoned like a prostitute._

_If Leopold had never come, I never would have lost Daniel. Written down, it looks strange, and I realize that might not be true. Between fits of rage and sobs of grief, I have lucid moments like these when I can recognize that Mother probably would have found a way to kill him anyway. But maybe we'd have had time to get away. Maybe we could have made a life for ourselves._

_I should have sent him away._

_I should have never let him kiss me._

_I should have never begged for riding lessons._

_I miss him so much._


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note:** I hope you're liking these! Let me know what you think!

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_It's me again…_

_It's been a few days since I wrote. I'm sorry about that. I know I'm the only thing you have, Diary, just like you're the only thing I have. We have to stick together, you and me. Don't worry, I wasn't off having fun without you. Snow and Leopold were preparing to leave for the Southern Kingdoms, and I had to pretend to be ill for two days in order to get out of it. Leopold actually pretended to be concerned and had a nurse by my bedside constantly. I couldn't very well reveal my hiding place so easily now, could I?_

_Anyway, I'm glad that I can at least write down my true feelings, even if I cannot say them. You have no idea how horrible it's felt trying to hold these poisonous thoughts inside. They… hurt. They feel like rotten milk that has settled in my belly, and at any moment, I may find myself looking at the horrible person that I am reflected back at me from my ruined shoes._

_I used to be good, Diary. What's happened to me?_

_I shouldn't want to kill a young girl. That isn't how sane people think. Am I insane? Oh, Diary… I desperately hope not. Mother was insane. She said she loved me, but I think she would kill me if it would get her my throne. If only she knew that I didn't desire it. I want none of this. I wish she would have married Leopold instead. Let Snow see what it's like to have my mother. She'd be grovelling at my feet in forgiveness for spilling such deadly secrets._

_I am fixating. I think it's because of my lessons with the Dark One. I haven't told him, but I want to learn magic to try to save Daniel. After Mother killed him, something… happened. My fingers glowed blue, and I remember wishing for him to just stay like this, to not grow sunken and shriveled and… dead. If he didn't look dead, then maybe he truly wouldn't be. I had cast a preservation spell without even knowing how I did it, Diary. And from then on, I had been terrified of magic._

_At least until Mother made me wish to drive myself from my balcony. Before the wedding, I summoned him. Rumplestiltskin. The one who teaches me. He is powerful. And if anyone can show me how to bring back someone from the dead, it's him._

_So, you can see why I'm always so fixated on Daniel. My heart grieves, but not completely. It can never fully grieve until I know I have exhausted all possible efforts of bringing him back. I had tried True Love's Kiss until I was exhausted from cold. Now, learning to wield magic myself is my only other option. I hope it's enough._


	4. Chapter 4

Diary,

I have just finished a lesson with my bastard of a teacher. I don't know if he can even be called such. Are not actual instructors meant to finely hone the gifts of their students until they are sharp, refined, sophisticated? He's more of a tormentor I think, who forces me through situations from which I must find my own way. He will always laugh that half-demented giggle of his and say that there was no use in crying over spilt milk. But, perhaps he is lacking perspective. After all, ask an ant who may have been in the path of the milk, and I am sure it would mind a great deal. He would think nothing of letting me die. He would let me drown, burn, fall, all of it... simply because I did not do it perfectly, or I was not powerful enough.

Sometimes, I wonder if I have traded one evil for another. At least Mother loved me. Said she loved me. Even if it wasn't true, the words, they... helped.

In other news, I am locked in my room once again. Snow fell while playing in the throne room and I, being on the other side of the room, was not fast enough to break her fall. Leopold saw to it that I felt my own pain regardless. Snow has a twisted ankle, and makes her servents carry her everywhere. To show that I am sorry for not being a good mother -Leopold's version of punishment- I am to be with her from dawn until dusk, spending time... bonding. I think I sprained my wrist and bruised my ribs when the King slapped me for my insolence, and I fell to the very marble that Snow had just minutes before. I did not make a fuss like the Princess did, however. It would be seen as weak. But once, I should like to feel what it's like to be loved like that. To be the entire world to someone that they would protect me at all costs. To be enraged at someone who hurt me. To even hurt on my behalf... to be my protector.

Foolish musings of a foolish girl, Cora would say. My mother's voice in my head is still strong, even after nearly a year. I think it'll always be there, Diary, and I wonder if summoning the Dark One was worth it after all. I haven't escaped her. I've only trapped myself in a darker cage, and I don't think there's any getting out of this one.

It might sound odd, but... sometimes, I think Rumplestiltskin wants me upset. He's said that magic comes from emotion. That the madder I am, the more power behind my spells. It doesn't make sense to me, but it seems like something else. I know he has secrets that he keeps. He acted as if he knew me already the first time we met. I know he has the powers of a seer, but it's disconcerting at times. All magic comes with a price, and I know mine will be horrible when it comes. I'm hoping that I will be strong enough by then that I can resist him. Out dark the Dark One, as it were.

Dark magic is the easiest easiest kind for me to summon (the only kind he'll even teach me, though I have read books on other kinds), and I can't describe what it feels like to feel my blood heat. It reminds me of a line of kerosene that someone has drawn upon the ground, and then lit aflame. As the fire spreads, it gets brighter and brighter until all that heat, all that light and energy is displaced. It has to go somewhere.

Fire springs to my palm like I am the wick in a candle, and I can make it dance, I can bend it and twirl it and shape it. I am its mother, giving it life and love and breath, and he feeds from me like the son I will never give the King. Like the child that Snow White will never be to me. This- magic is my offspring, and with it, I will gain my freedom again. With it, I will get my happy ending.


End file.
